A little kid walks in on his parents having sex. He says, "What are y'all doing?"
His mom says, "Well I was just letting the air out of your dad, he is to fat."
The kid says,"Why ...the lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"~~~~~~

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."~~~~~~

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!"
They yell back, "We're not fucking!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"
Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking."~~~~~~

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!~~~~~~

There was a guy who got in an elevator with very large man. The large man said, "I'm 7 feet 3 inches, 350 pounds, with a 20 inch penis, a right nut of 3 pounds and a left nut of 3 pounds. Turner Brown." All the sudden the little guy fainted.
When he was awake again he asked "What did you say?"
The guy repeated, "7-3, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, right nut 3 pounds, left nut 3 pounds. Turner Brown." "Oh," said the little guy, "I thought you said turn around!"~~~~~~

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup.~~~~~~

What's the difference between condoms and coffins? They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!~~~~~~

A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken always comes in a box!~~~~~~

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted t do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties.
That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi hon," she purred sexily. "You want some of this?"
"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.>br> As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.
He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke! The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"
The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I'll bet your an anesthesiologist." Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?" Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."

There are three dogs all in the pound. The first dog turns to the second dog and asks, "What are you in for?"
The dog replies, "Well my master said that if I keep chewing up the newspaper he will put me to sleep. I kept chewing them and today I'm getting put to sleep."
The other dogs start to comfort him. The second dog turns to the third dog and asks him the same question. The dog saddly replies, "Well my master said that if I kept drinking out of the toilet I would get put to sleep. And here I am about to get put to sleep."
The other dogs start to comfort him too. Then the second and third dog turn to the first dog and ask him. The dog says, "When my master got out of the shower her towel fell off of her, and when she bent over I just couldn't help myself and started to fuck her up the ass."
The dogs were like, "Oh, we understand why your getting put to sleep." The first dog turns around and says, "I'm not here to get put to sleep, I'm here to get my nails trimmed!!!!!!